 |
| Your Highness |
Q: What is the Fuckening?
A: A day on which the evil wizard Leezar (Justin Theroux) plans to lose his virginity with Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel), a would-be princess. Leezar kidnaps her during her wedding to Prince Fabious (James Franco).
Q: When does the Fuckening take place?
A: The Fuckening takes place only once every 100 years when the two moons of whatever planet Your Highness takes place on form an eclipse.
Q: Why does Leezar have to wait until the two moons eclipse to lose his virginity?
A: Because if he waits until the two moons eclipse, it will create a dragon that he will use to rule the land.
Q: So Belladonna is kidnapped from her wedding. Does Prince Fabious attempt to rescue her?
A: Yes, that’s pretty much the plot of the film. Fabious enlists the help of his slacker brother, Thadeous (Danny McBride), and Thadeous’s servant, Courtney (Rasmus Hardiker), along with a small team of knights, to rescue his almost bride. But first, he will need the Sword of Unicorn to defeat Leezar.
Q: What’s a sample joke used in Your Highness?
A: Fabious, unhappy with Thadeous’s[spelling and S] attitude, wishes Thadeous would “be gay” with him and his father. You see, Fabious is using the word “gay” as a term for happiness, but 12-year-old boys and most Tea Party members will snicker because . . .
Q: Yeah, I get it. Anyway, what’s the Sword of Unicorn?
A: It’s an indestructible sword made of unicorn bone, the only sword lethal to Leezar.
Q: Where is the Sword of Unicorn located?
A: They’re not sure. To find out, they have to visit a wise old puppet sorcerer who will give them a magic compass in exchange for a hand job. Something, apparently, Fabious has been doing for the puppet sorcerer since he was a little boy.
Q: From there, do they eventually find the sword?
A: Seriously, that’s your next question? Nothing at all about the pedophile puppet?
Q: Did the pedophile puppet enjoy his hand job?
A: You know what? Forget it; let’s go back to the sword question.
Q: Wait, isn’t Natalie Portman in this movie?
A: She is. Fabious, Thadeous, and Courtney are captured by a tribe of nude savages, who place the three in an arena with a masked stranger to do battle against a warrior and a five-headed hand dragon. The masked stranger turns out to be a woman warrior named Isabel (Portman), who is also on a quest to kill Leezar.
Q: What is a five-headed hand dragon?
A: The leader of the nude savages can stick his hand in a magical cauldron that results in a five-headed dragon that looks like a hand jettisoning out of the middle of the arena. The scene reminds me of a picture in a book that my parents made me read when I was six years old about the dangers of sniffing glue.
Q: Wait, why did your parents make you read a book about the dangers of sniffing glue?
A: I grew up in Missouri.
Q: What kind of glue did the creators of Your Highnesssniff?
A: I’m going to guess Elmer’s, because if it were a stronger glue this movie might be consistently funnier.
Q: Are Fabious and Thadeous grateful for Isabel’s help?
A: To a point, but, for the most part, Isabel’s role for the rest of the film comes down to rejecting Thadeous’s attempts to sleep with her.
Q: Wait, what happened to the knights who were traveling with Fabious and Thadeous?
A: They turned out to be traitors, but, really, it doesn’t matter.
Q: How many Minotaurs with a fully erect penis chase after Natalie Portman in Your Highness?
A: One.
Q: Is it true that Natalie Portman won best actress at the most recent Academy Awards?
A: Yes.
Q: On a scale of 1 to 10, how horrified is Natalie Portman’s agent that she is in Your Highness?
A: Eight.
Q: Does Fabious ever find the Sword of Unicorn?
A: Well, on the way to recover the sword, Fabious…. You know what? You’re asking a lot of specific plot questions considering that this is just a stoner movie that only exists to make dick jokes and set a world record for the number of times the word “fuck” is used as a punch line.
Q: Did you find Your Highness at all funny?
A: Look, fella, I write for Vanity Fair, which means I have a taste that’s a bit more, shall we say, refined than the average person. So, no, a few dick jokes aren’t going to appeal to me.
Q: Why is it, then, at approximately 6:45 p.m. this past Tuesday, you were seen laughing at the Your Highnessscreening?
A: I wasn’t laughing. I had gas.
Q: And you also had gas at 6:53 p.m.?
A: A fellow writer, a man named Matt, sitting next to me, started to tickle me. I have no idea why he did it—you’ll have to ask him. I’m very ticklish.
Q: And at 7:02 p.m.?
A: Seriously, what the hell are you doing? Do you want me to lose my job here?
Q: And again at 7:12 p.m.?
A: Fine! I laughed quite a bit during Your Highness! I know the movie is fairly terrible and the laughs are far from consistent, but, goddammit, sometimes dick jokes are funny.
Q: If you’re going to be blurbed in this weekend’s commercials for Your Highness, what quote do you think will be used?
A: “Sometimes dick jokes are funny!” —Mike Ryan, Vanity Fair
Mike Ryan is a frequent contributor to VanityFair.com. To register your complaints on his opinions about Your Highness, you can contact him directly on Twitter.
Sources: http://www.vanityfair.com
