 |
| Pakistan vs West Indies |
18th over: West Indies 39-3 (Sarwan 14, Chanderpaul 5) The classy Saeed Ajmal replaces Mohammad Hafeez. Afridi and Ajmal are two exceptional spinners to bring on, especially when the opposition are 38 for three after 16 overs. And now the Sky feed has gone down. Oh well, I'm off for a straightener. Bye! "A word of advice to Luke Dealtry," says Sarah Bacon. "I'm fairly certain NO-ONE should be 'drinking' mouthwash, Sainsbury's Basics or otherwise. You're supposed to swill it and spit it out. Not swallow it." Tell that to Peter Reid – he ran out of mixers on a vodka binge once and used that instead.
17th over: West Indies 38-3 (Sarwan 14, Chanderpaul 4) There's another big shout next ball, from a pretty similar delivery, but there was enough doubt so Pakistan can't really risk their second review. That said, I reckon he might well have been out. Ah, no it wasn't – replays show it was just hitting the top of the stumps, so the original decision would have stood had they reviewed it. An outstanding start from Afridi, a maiden. "Good effort, on the podium, well done," says Sean Boiling. "Who were first and second? Oh the shame, it was Tim Lovejoy and that bloke from The Mail wasn't it? Or was it Marvin 'brain the size of a planet' Android and brain in a jar Wilson? No shame there." Wilson was on our team, which makes third thoroughly unacceptable. Sky and ESPN were the top two. We beat the Times' star-studded line-up at least. Marcotti did our team talk for us at the start by whispering a bit too loudly to Wilson, 'Where are the real Guardian people?'
REVIEW! West Indies 38-3 (Sarwan LBW b Afridi 14) Shahid Afridi comes on, and his third ball skids straight on to bring a big LBW shout against Sarwan. It's turned down, but Pakistan go for the review and this will be close. Sarwan was a fair way forward, although it was pad first. It was hitting the stumps, but replays show he was just outside the line, soSarwan survives.
16th over: West Indies 38-3 (Sarwan 14, Chanderpaul 4) More parsimonious work from Hafeez, whose eighth over costs just two. His figures are a mildly erotic 8-3-12-2. "Christ, Cyrano de Bergerac," says Mike Selvey. "Or Pinnochio." I think the first one was an exclamation rather than a suggestion that Christ had a big nose. In fact, as I typed that, the great man (I mean Selve, not Christ) delivered the same naff punchline: "I don't mean Christ had a big nose by the way." No wonder Daryl Hannah fell for Steve Martin in Roxanne, eh.
15th over: West Indies 36-3 (Sarwan 13, Chanderpaul 3) Wahab Riaz's dodgy little spell continues with a front-foot no-ball, although Chanderpaul can only squirt a single off the subsequent free hit. Then Wahab bowls a wide. I wish Shoaib was bowling in his place. "Sainsbury's Basics fish fingers are better than the branded stuff," blasphemes Luke Dealtry. "As are Sainsbury's Basics beans. But that's it. And I know because my sister and her friend once bought me £70 of Sainsbury's Basics products as a (very unwelcome) housewarming gift. WARNING: NEVER SHAVE WITH SAINSBURY'S BASICS RAZORS. And don't drink Sainsbury's Basics mouthwash."
14th over: West Indies 32-3 (Sarwan 12, Chanderpaul 2) Hafeez continues – if it ain't broke, etc – and Chanderpaul continues to play himself in. Very. Very. Carefully. It's the right tactic, but it will look very bad if he gets out. He has two from 26 balls, and it's a maiden from Hafeez. "I thought your other reader might enjoy sniggering at the following extract from a text I am trying to avoid the cricket to proofread," says Ian Copestake. "'Wilhelm Fließ (1858-1928), a colleague and correspondent of Freud, speculated about the connections between the size of the nose and the length of the penis. The so-called 'nasal reflex theory', which posited an interaction between the nose and the genital apparatus, enjoyed widespread support in the medical circles of the time.' Worth thinking about the next time you blow your nose." Or when Nasser comes on commentary.
13th over: West Indies 32-3 (Sarwan 12, Chanderpaul 2) The first boundary for more than 10 overs comes when Wahab drifts onto the pads and is tucked fine by Sarwan. He gets another two balls later with a classical push through the covers. Brilliant stroke. "Re: 8th over, 'It's hard to see how they (WI) can win if he doesn't,'" begins Gary Naylor. "Come come now Rob – as you pointed out earlier, Pakistan will win or lose this match. The opposition's performance doesn't really come into it."
12th over: West Indies 22-3 (Sarwan 4, Chanderpaul 1) A late inside edge from Chanderpaul means that Hafeez's LBW appeal is caught on the throat. That straighter ball is giving the left-handers all sorts of trouble as they push around the front pad. Chanderpaul drives to mid off to get off the mark from his 18th delivery. "My housemate at uni once went to the shops to get some food and came back several hours later with a ten pin bowling ball with his name engraved into it, 'because it was on offer'," says Dave Voss. "He never went bowling again." Yourhousemate, eh?
11th over: West Indies 19-3 (Sarwan 3, Chanderpaul 0) Wahab Riaz replaces Umar Gul (5-1-11-1). One from the over. Chanderpaul has nought from 15 balls. It's all Pakistan. "We've done a quarter-final preview show, in which we accurately predicted that West Indies would be 15-3 after 5.3 overs," says Sam Collins. "Educated guesswork eh... The Chucks say goodbye to the minnows, hello to the World Cup quarter finals, take a look at a dead parrot, walk across a road, take umpiring lessons and cower in fear of an angry Peter Borren."
10th over: West Indies 18-3 (Sarwan 2, Chanderpaul 0) Hafeez nearly skids a quicker one through Chanderpaul, who just jabs his bat down at the last minute. Another maiden, and West Indies have scored four runs in the last seven overs. Amazing. "I wouldn't write of the Windies," says Ranil Dissanayake. "If Pakistan are capable of brilliance, they're also capable of mind-boggling ineptitude. Pollard could easily Ross Taylor the West Indies total late on. What's more, Rampaul looked ferocious bowling against India, and we all know how fast Kemar Roach is... they still have a chance. They're lucky to have the right guys for a rebuilding mission up now." Oh aye. Pakistan can easily lose from here.
9th over: West Indies 18-3 (Sarwan 2, Chanderpaul 0) West Indies are going nowhere, and they're not even doing it fast. That's a maiden from Gul to Sarwan. He is in hopeless nick at the moment, which doesn't help the West Indies. It's almost cruel that some players will reach the theoretical pinnacle of their career every four years and be in diabolical form. Dumb luck. "I fear that your problem, Mr Smyth, may be in your choice of retailer," says Rob Marriott. "Let's be honest, Sainsbury's isn't really the supermarket that'd be most associated with an honest working-man's dinner like a fish-finger sandwich. Other supermarkets are available, supermarkets for whom fish finger and corn snack devouring journalists who spend most of their lives drapped in the Guardian dungeon are exactly the target market they're after." Who mentioned a sandwich? Just eat them on their own. No sauce, not even salt. Fish fingers, like nature and Captain Birdseye intended.
8th over: West Indies 18-3 (Sarwan 2, Chanderpaul 0) Sarwan, beaten outside off by a slider from Hafeez, survives a token stumping referral. West Indies need to take stock for a bit and hope that Pollard goes ballistic. It's hard to see how they can win if he doesn't.
7th over: West Indies 17-3 (Sarwan 1, Chanderpaul 0) Gul sends down an excellent yorker – the excellent is tautologous really, isn't it; not even Saj Mahmood could bowl a bad yorker – and Chanderpaul digs it out. West Indies are in a right mess. "I'm off work, sneezing blood, but I will be having fish fingers for breakfast," says Alex Netherton. "On balance, I'm up." I hope your wife is reading.
6th over: West Indies 16-3 (Sarwan 0, Chanderpaul 0) Their top order has been shivved, so West Indies call for Shiv Chanderpaul, back in the side today. He has quite a job on now. When the force is with Pakistan, there is nothing in sport to compare, nothing at all. "We've already seen fizzy brown water company treat us to KP requiring his English dubbed and the awe-inspiring prospect of the world's first all-maverick buddy movie with Afridi and Shoaib, but surely this is a whole new high\low for advertising. Difficult to imagine a David Shepherd version."
WICKET! West Indies 16-3 (Darren Bravo LBW b Hafeez 0) This is scintillating stuff from Hafeez and Pakistan. The dangerous Darren Bravo has gone third ball for a duck! That was another one that skidded one and didn't turn; Bravo, like Smith, played around his front pad and missed. This one was a tighter call, but Steve Davis gave it out and, when Bravo inevitably reviewed, replays showed it was hitting leg stump.
WICKET! West Indies 16-2 (Smith LBW b Hafeez 5) Oh Pakistan, I love you. They are all over the West Indies here and now Devon Smith has gone. It was a full, quicker delivery that trapped Smith plumb in front as he played outside the line. He debated a review but that was clearly out. Lovely work from Hafeez who, as Ian Bishop says on Sky, is a very underrated offspinner.
5th over: West Indies 16-1 (Smith 6, Sarwan 0) Gul has a huge shout for caught behind against Sarwan turned down. He was wafting at a wide one. Teams tend not to use their reviews for caught behinds, and Pakistan will be glad they didn't there as there was no suggestion that he nicked it. Just one from the over. Gul has started really well. He's a class act, particularly in limited-overs cricket. "Bass used to do a low-alcohol bitter that was actually tastier than anything else they made," says Richard O'Hagan. "Which is probably why they stopped making it. And there was definitely a fish finger offer in Sainsbury's a couple of months ago, though it was on branded rather than own brand ones. I almost bought some, but then decided that I shouldn't because I'd eat them all. Sometimes, like Andy Flower, I'm a terrible decision maker."
4th over: West Indies 15-1 (Smith 5, Sarwan 0) Gayle has gone but Hafeez continues. There's a break in play because Sarwan has broken one of the bails. He was marking his guard by hammering it into the turf, and he broke it. The ICC will probably give him a ten-match ban. An accurate over from Hafeez costs just one. I'm really not sure about Sarwan at No3, not in this form. "Rob, Sainsbury's had an offer on fish fingers a couple of weeks ago down here in Kent," says Steve Dickens. "Think it was two packs for £2.50; yes they had added Omega 3 so healthy, but putting more tommy k in your fish finger sandwich cancels that out." Oh I don't count that Omega 3 nonsense, they are always on offer. I mean these magnificent moreish breaded sticks of happiness.
3rd over: West Indies 14-1 (Smith 4, Sarwan 0) Ramnaresh Sarwan has been promoted up the order, which is an interesting move given that he's been in dodgy nick. "Is the race on between you and Gayle as to who will fall asleep on the job first?" says Elliott Carr-Barnsley. "Then again, I can't see CG joining any sort of race."
WICKET! West Indies 14-1 (Gayle c Afridi b Gul 8) Gayle looks in ominous touch. He charges the first delivery he faces from Gul and flat bats it over mid off for four more. And now he's gone! So much for looking in ominous touch. Gayle makes room again and this time drills it to the right of mid off, where Shahid Afridi takes a nonchalant two-handed catch. He made that look easy but it wasn't, because Gayle really got hold of it. That is such a big wicket, and Pakistan are celebrating wildly. They know that, if they haven't quite broken the back of the West Indies batting, they've at least dented the spine with careful use of a crowbar.
2nd over: West Indies 9-0 (Smith 4, Gayle 4) The offspinner Mohammad Hafeez will share the new ball, and he has an optimistic shout for LBW against Gayle from the second delivery. It was bat first. Gayle has a look for a few deliveries and then dumps the fifth lazily over midwicket for four. "So what actually happens if there is a tie tonight? " says Dafydd Thomas. "Super over? Bowl-off? Dance-off?" Sadly, and despite the potential entertainment value of an arm-wrestle between Chris Gayle and Shahid Afridi, it would be a super over.
1st over: West Indies 4-0 (Smith 4, Gayle 0) As expected, a very boring first over. The first ball is short and slapped square on the off side for four by Smith; the third ball brings a huge shout for LBW against the same batsman, with the ball pitching just outside leg; the fourth jags back to hit Smith on the flap of the pad "I once bought Kaliber simply because it was on offer," says James Love. "I don't know why." They made you an offer on rancid, non-alcoholic lager you couldn't refuse.
The winner of today's match will play India Or Aus in the semi-finals. Pakistan v India! Imagine!de
West Indies have won the toss and will bat first. It's a decent toss to win on a pitch that should lose its life as the day goes on. West Indies have strengthened their batting, bringing in Shivnarine Chanderpaul for Andre Russell. Chris Gayle is also fit to return. There's still no Shoaib Akhtar, but Saeed Ajmal does come in for Abdur Rehman.
Pakistan Hafeez, K Akmal (wk), Shafiq, Younis, Misbah, U Akmal, Razzaq, Afridi (c), Gul, Riaz, Ajmal.West Indies Gayle, Devon Smith, Darren Bravo, Sarwan, Chanderpaul, Pollard, Thomas (wk), Sammy (c), Bishoo, Roach, Rampaul.
Preamble Morning. It may not always be apparent, particularly if you live in London, but there are so many brilliant and beautiful things in life: laughter, , the first touch of a new lover, finding a two-for-one offer on Birds Eye Fish Fingers in Sainsbury's*. And the Pakistan cricket team. That they are the most interesting team in the history of sport shouldn't really be in doubt, but they might just be the most interesting thing that has ever happened to anyone, ever.
You don't need to be in possession of a vile hangover from last night's Opta sports industry football quiz (third out of 22, since you didn't ask) to find them head-dizzyingly eccentric. They use the sublime and the ridiculous as central points, from which they then go east and west. When they are at their best, there is no more irresistible force; when they are at their worst, there is no greater tragifarce.Today, in the first cricket World Cup quarter-final since 1996, they will battle against themselves. And also the West Indies, who aren't exactly the most predictable team either. Yes, it's hot maverick-on-maverick action. It could be a tie, or either team could win by 150 runs. No point trying to predict what might happen. Just buckle up, buttercup.
Sources: http://www.guardian.co.uk
